I Was Once Able to Love
September 17, 2019
I begrudgingly admit, from what I can remember, I only really wanted one woman in my life. I wanted her for years to the point I would compromise who I was as a person to maybe hear her say just one time, that she would be mine. I went back to her multiple times in hopes of just hearing anything close to those words, thinking I couldn’t stay away because I felt you belonged with me. Thinking if I fight long and hard enough then maybe she will see what I want her to see. And when I wasn’t satisfied enough or was just fed up with not getting what I wanted, I said words that could have destroyed somebody I truly loved. Quite frankly, my impulse to say those things to her out of hurt was so intense I felt I had no control. I thought she needed to hurt in the same way she gutted me when, in reality, I was the one inflicting most of my self pain. I was asking for magic in a place full of charm, just was not meant for me, but yet I felt I deserved all of it and nobody else. I was personally attached to somebody who made me forget about the destructive parts of personal attachment. Every time we walked away from each other affected me differently, and I never really got back to me.
Years have passed, and all of the chaos we tried to make congruity out of still lingers on my mind, and some days I feel the energy I harbored up from attempting to love trickles down, and taint how I see anything associated with being vulnerable. I was so caught up subconsciously in breaking my loveless cycle with you that it, in turn, made me feel I am incapable of even loving. Or worst, I am going to end stuck loving somebody who won’t also be apart of my life, for whatever reason. That thought alone made me numb. I didn’t want to feel because it would’ve meant not letting go of her. As much as I didn’t want to let go, I wanted to let go just as a bad. I felt like I was dying even more inside. I was questioning who I am, wondering if everything I felt was even real, wondering if I also felt anything at all — just any conclusion to not make me feel like a victim and a perpetrator simultaneously.
Our unhealthy cycled continued for years and years like clockwork. We knew around when we were going not to be each other’s lives, and we never tried stopping each other from walking away. Come to think of it, subconsciously we both encouraged it. We both wanted the other to walk away, so it didn’t seem like we were personally at fault for it. When we stopped talking to each other, we blocked each other on every single thing possible, from social media to phone numbers. Everything we weren’t talking, I always end up thinking, if I didn’t think of you long enough you wouldn’t exist. You know the saying, “out of sight, out of mind.” But I only could’ve gone so long without missing you unconsciously. I hated myself for that actually. Still do, up to the very day.
It’s been about a year now, if not over a year by far, and I started frustratingly missing you. Not for the typical reasons, and that’s what bothers me the most. I don’t think anybody else is more perfect for me than you. Part of it is, if I’m honest, I tried to replace you with girls that didn’t remind me of you. Ironically I ended up just comparing them to you, and in my head they just never compared, leaving me remarkably unsatisfied and continuously thinking of you. When I find women that didn’t make me think of you, I don’t know how to express genuinely I like them, because I feel every unadulterated act I do will be misconstrued to only come off as undesirably overzealous. Resulting in me completely losing all my confidence, and falling hard for despair, with the willingness to accept anything, to feel like I can feel again, even if it was beneath what I was deserving.
When I feel this low, I’m typically quick to run back to the closest thing that once made me alive, for the bad or the worst, to escape from myself. It’s a feeling I wish would disintegrate. I hate that it bothers me if I see you refer to another man as your boyfriend without it being me. It felt like you were twisting the knife you once left in my back. Over time, I learned the majority of the pain I was experiencing was because of me, because of me wanting you. So now in time, I will release myself from all that pain knowing that whatever happens to me since we last spoke was meant to happen because the hate I developed for you over time coincidentally made me appreciate love a lot more, even if continue to struggle with love.